I have mixed feelings about fall. While most people declare it their favorite season, what with the pretty leaves and gorgeous weather, I approach fall with a conflicted mix of excitement and apprehension. For me, the arrival of this favored time of year is like running into an old flame, familiar yet foreign.

Historically, on the whole, fall has been good to me. (Unlike that manipulative bitch, spring, who plies me with false hope, only to knock me down and beat me with a rusty baseball bat.) No, fall has brought me all kinds of goodies over the years—my best friend, my first love, my favorite two-year-old, pumpkin-flavored everything—and yet, still, the apprehension.

This is due in part to the fact that fall stirs up memories and nostalgia like no other season. I step outside and suddenly it’s late September of 1997 and I’m falling in love for the first time, feeling light and giddy and excited and just so hopeful. I notice the changing leaves on my way into work and I’m back in Virginia, driving to a bed and breakfast with my ex, feeling, yes, happy and excited and hopeful. Or it’s October of 2001 and I’m in the apartment I shared with Lizzi in Alexandria, five miles from the Pentagon; she’s making cookies, and I feel safe and comforted despite the fact that there are men with guns on the street and the world is crumbling around us.

The memories are visceral. It’s as though fall removes the barriers of time, and I’m like a character in Lost, being yanked in and out of moments in my life. It makes me sad, reliving these moments, because I know how they end. I know that they end.

And yet, at the same time, with fall also comes anticipation. Another visceral feeling—something, anything might happen. Something good. Excitement, because despite the endings, when fall comes around yet again, I know that its those beginnings I’ll remember.

Tags: Self-Reflection

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 20th, 2009 at 2:55 pm and is filed under Self-Reflection. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.